UGGly Evolution

Over the past eight or so years, there has been a trend that has unfortunately infected nearly all niches of society in the UK and the Western world; from the subspecies of human (Homo sapien) commonly known as the ‘chav’ (Chaveri slobetta: behavioural traits of which include drinking on the streets, shouting loudly and smoking during pregnancy), to the southern based subspecies commonly known as the ‘rah’ Rahnus tofferani (mainly observed doused in St Tropez with bleached blonde hair dressed head to toe in Abercrombie and Fitch).

This trend is one in footwear, and when combined with any outfit immediately makes the individual appear slovenly, namely due to the irritating scuffing style of walking induced by such a clumsy shoe, but also due to their lack of shape or style in any form. Yes, you guessed it - the monstrosity that I refer to is UGG boot.

The origins of this viral trend are disputed, with both Australia and New Zealand surprisingly fighting for the title of ‘the country that created the UGG boot’, but wherever its evolutionary history lies: in my opinion the creator should have been locked away. Sheep skin boots have been documented in Australia from the 1920s, and by 1933 Australian based company Blue Mountains UGG Boots were knocking the UGG into production as were the Mortel Sheepskin Factory by 1958. In the 1960s the UGG became popular with the subspecies of human known as the ‘surfer’ (Surferannus dudentius) who used them to warm their tootsies after a session on the waves, and after spreading throughout mainland Australia, the UGG emigrated to America and was in production through UGG Holdings by 1979. By around 2003 the UGG had fully evolved into a generalist fashion trend, exploiting a range of human subspecies of all ages, races and backgrounds.

Unsurprisingly, the name ‘UGG’ originated from a comment made by the wife of the apparent creator of the boot - Frank Mortel, who upon seeing the first design of the boot called them ‘ugly’. Frank, for the sake of humanity, you should have listened to her.

UGG Australia add (apparently they need a naked girl to make them look attractive)

For those of you living under a rock, the classic design of the original UGG boot is a tan coloured shapeless boot made of sheep skin, with the fleece lining still intact, facing inwards. They appear to be a type of snow boot, but as they evolved from the Australasian continent which receives very little snow; this design is not adapted to its practical habitat, and is often worn in all weather. In my opinion there are only three scenarios in which it is acceptable to don the UGG (or any knock-off high street strain of the virus) – 1) when walking through conditions of deep snow or heavy ice; 2) when slobbing around the house as a substitute for slippers; 3) when in desperate need to immediately warm the feet in a situation such as after surfing.

Female (and male) Homo sapiens seem to be under the impression that wearing the UGG label is a free pass to the height of fashion, regardless of any extraneous factors relating to general appearance. Currently, the most common form of UGG exhibition is found on Rahnus tofferani, often observed combining the UGG with Jack Wills or Abercrombie and Fitch, pyjama type attire, giving the impression of just rolling out of bed. Females of this subspecies frequently wear the UGG with a short denim skirt and orange legs, with the hope of attracting a mate.

Usually there is a direct increase in the quality of an item with the amount of money you pay: if I splashed out on a beautiful Channel bag or Michael Korr’s watch, I’d be proud to flash it around day in day out; but in my opinion the UGG is an exception to this rule - just because they’re expensive doesn’t mean you look good in them.

But don’t get me wrong, I agree that thick winter boots can look extremely cute when paired with a decent chunky knit scarf or woollen jumper; looking to the winter trends of 2010 and further back, a nice fur boot (faux of course) can be the perfect accessory to an alpine inspired outfit, you only have to look at D&Gs winter collection from 2010 to appreciate the advantages of being cosy calve-down; but it is not the design of a winter boot which I have qualms with – it’s the mental attitude that seems to be associated with the UGG; “I’m wearing UGG boots, therefore I look good”.

Winter boots at D&Gs AW 2010 collection

I’m hoping that Darwin’s theory will apply to the UGG boot and it will be bred out by natural selection: perhaps UGG wearers will experience a higher chance of tripping and falling over their clumsy feet and so sustain head injuries beyond repair; perhaps they will have greater trouble in running when necessary and so get hit by cars and other fast moving objects  or perhaps they will get infections in their feet which are never exposed to fresh air and so die of gangrene – whichever way they may be competed out of existence by better designed foot wear, I hope that the generations of fashion trends to come will cause this viral abomination to become extinct. The UGG boot can UGG off.